Greg Heffley/Quotes

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

"Okay, first of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. Yeah, I know what it says on the cover, but when my Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her not to buy one that said "diary" on it."

"The other thing I want to clear up right away is that this was MOM's idea, not mine."

"But if she thinks I'm going to write down my "feelings" in here or whatever, she's crazy."

"The only reason I agreed to do this at all is because I figure later on when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do then answer people's stupid questions all day long."

"I'll be rich and famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons."

"Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day."

"By the way, let me give you some good advice. On the first day of school, you got to be real careful where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just plunk your stuff down on any old desk and the next thing you know the teacher is saying "I hope you all like where you're sitting, because these are your permanent seats.""

"YES! YES!"

"Man, I don't know WHAT is up with girls these days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in elementary school. The deal was, if you were the fastest runner in your class you got all the girls. Nowadays, it's a whole lot more complicated. Now it's about the kind of clothes you wear or how rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever. And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their heads wondering what the heck happened."

"I don't think girls are stinky poos!"

"Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's what it started this thing called the Cheese Touch. It's basically like the Cooties. If you get the Cheese Touch, you're stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers."

"But I guess I must have made a pretty big racket because the next thing I knew, Dad was downstairs, yelling at me for eating Cheerios at 3:00 in the morning."

"But Rodrick covered up his tracks pretty good. And to this day, I'm sure Dad thinks I've got a screw loose or something."

"They don't come right out and tell you if you're in the Gifted group or the Easy group, but you can figure it out right away by looking at the covers of the books they hand out."

"Mom is always saying I'm a smart kid, but that I just don't "apply" myself."

"I saw a couple of the "Bink Says Boo" kids holding their books upside down, and I don't think they were joking."

"The only reason I get out of bed at all on the weekends is because eventually, I can't stand the taste of my own breath anymore."

"Unfortunately, Dad wakes up at 6:00 in the morning no matter WHAT day of the week it is, and he is not real considerate of the fact that I am trying to enjoy my Saturday like a normal person."

"Rowley is technically my best friend, but that is definitely subject to change."

"I have told Rowley at least a billion times that now that we're in middle school, you're supposed to say "hang out," not "play." But no matter how many noogies I give him, he always forgets the next time."

"I guess I kind of felt sorry for Rowley, and I decided to take him under my wing."

"Did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face it's a sign of "Low intelligence"?"

"Ha! Gotcha!"

"Hmm... Let me check again."

"Mom and Dad protect Manny like he's a prince or something."

"Mom is always getting on me about not finishing my breakfast. But if she had to scrape corn flakes out of the bottom of a plastic potty every morning, she wouldn't have much of an appetite either."

"Dad is a pretty smart guy in general but when it comes to common sense, sometimes I wonder about him."

"You might think he spelled it that way to make it look cooler, but I bet if you told Rodrick how "Loaded Diaper" is really spelled, it would be news to him."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Usually, if you mess up in front of Dad, he just throws whatever he's got in his hands at you."

"I just dusted the dining room for the heck of it!"

"THREE! THREE!"

"I guess this means my political career is officially over."

"Wow! Look at the size of that flamethrower!"

"Oh yeah, never mind."

"I did my best to keep up with what was going on the screen, but to be honest with you, I'm not sure if Rowley was getting the full effect."

"I bet this part is gonna be funny."

"Whup! Ha ha! I was right! It was funny.

"I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna go as tomorrow night, so I'll probably just throw something together at the last minute. I figure maybe I'll bring back the Toilet Paper Mummy again. But I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow night, so that might not be the smartest choice."

"A cowboy."

"At that point I was seriously thinking about going as a cowboy for the second year in a row."

"I should never have mentioned that last part, because the next thing I knew, Mom was telling Dad he had to go along with us to make sure we didn't step foot outside our neighbourhood."

"After that, we headed back out on the road. But it was already 10:30, and I guess that's when most grown-ups decide Halloween is over. You can kind of tell because that's when they start coming to the door in their pajamas and giving you the evil eye."

"We're calling the COPS!"

"Well, I guess now that we're safe in our own house, you can't get us!"

"That's when we started getting cocky, making monkey noises at the teenagers and whatnot. Well, at least I was making monkey noises. Rowley was kind of making owl noises, but I guess it was the same generic idea."

"OOH OOH! EEE EEE! AHHH AHHH!"

"Snake Road is scary enough on its own without having a truckload of teenagers hunting you down. Every time we saw a car coming, we dove into the bushes. It must've taken us a half hour to go 100 yards."

"I think next Halloween I'll just stay home and mooch some Butterfingers from the bowl Mom keeps on top of the refrigerator."

"If there's one thing most boys in my school are into, it's professional wrestling. So Mr. Underwood might as well set off a bomb."

"But I decided if I don't want to get twisted into a pretzel for the next month and a half, I'd better do my homework on this wrestling business."

"Does this feel right?"

"Then again, I better make sure TOO good. This kid named Preston Mudd got named Athlete of the Month for being the best player in the basketball unit, so they put his picture up in the hallway. It took people about five seconds to realise how "P. Mudd" sounded when you said it out load and after that, it was all over for Preston."

"I spent my seventh period getting WAY more familiar with Fregley than I ever wanted to be."

"Muscles are gross!"

"Ouch"

"Owwwchhh?"

"We three tress..."

"I think you dropped an apple 'Bubby'."

"YAAAAH!"

"No thanks... I'm not as good as you!"

"Hey, look at me! I'm your dad! Darr darr darr."

"I'M the one who BROKE his hand!"

"It's a raging infection caused by a splinter that was left untreated!"

"I would, but I'm allergic to dairy!"

Rodrick Rules

"I actually tried to convince Dad to let me do Water Jazz instead of swim team, but he wouldn't go for it."

"Welcome to our school, Jeremy!"

"I started that."

"Bunny rabbit!"

"Your-pa, dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa!"

"Did you see any sharks fighting giant tarantulas on your safari?"

"Rowley here just got back from South Dakota!"

"Boy, I sure do miss Chirag"

"Did you just hear something?"

"I wish Chirag was here. Oh, how he loved chocolate-chip cookies."

"Think again, Shawn! Neither one of your parents is taller than five-foot-two, and you're the only 200-pound six-year-old I know!"

"That is if you're ALIVE next year!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to be realistic!"

"Estario parado en mi ay-ay-ay!"

Rodrick Rules (2011 film)

"Rodrick is the king of laziness, except when it comes to torturing me."

"As far as I know, the only money he's made is when dad gave him 5 bucks once to STOP playing."

"But that would be lying and, I don't do that anymore."

"My mom isn't IN the house right now."

"I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover."

"She thinks I'm Fregley??"

"See you later, Fregley."